Blackhams on the Run: Remembering Grandma

Monday, September 1st was Labor Day. I woke up that morning in Moab anticipating one last day of a fun family trip before heading home in the afternoon. I had just returned from a bike ride with the younger kids and was packing up the hotel before heading out for more activities when I got a phone call that my grandma had just passed away. She was diagnosed with cancer several months ago and we had been expecting this. In fact I had left her house often and after seeing her suffering had even been praying that she wouldn't have to suffer any longer. I expected to feel relief but was surprised with the feeling of loss that overcame me instead.

My memories of Grandma go back as long as I remember. Some of my earliest memories are of their house in Brigham City, the huge garden in the backyard and the "helicopter" tree in the front yard. Birthdays, Thanksgiving, other holidays and of course always Grandma's wonderful cooking. Some of my fondest childhood memories are of times spent at their cabin in Island Park that Grandpa built. I remember Grandma showing me the "golf ball" on top of Sawtelle Mountain and wondering how anyone could have hit a golf ball that far. Grandma always loved her cabin in the mountains but what she really loved was sharing it with her family.

When I was a little older Grandma and Grandpa moved to Bountiful. We enjoyed having them closer and often spent Sunday evenings in their home, always eating ice cream. They really missed being in a more rural area and eventually Grandpa built their beautiful home in Plain City where they spent the rest of Grandma's life.

My dad's parents passed away while I was still a teenager and I remember being jealous of my older cousins who got to spend so much more time with them. I feel blessed that I was able to spend 37 years with Grandma Daines, that she was there for my wedding, got to meet all of my children and so many other events over the years.

At my wedding. (Not my the best picture of me!)

My parents moved to California the week I graduated from high school. Grandma's house became a second home to me and I often spent a night or two there on weekends when I was visiting Salt Lake. She always had the most wonderful meals. After I married Jason, he just couldn't get enough of her food. I think she always enjoyed watching the enormous amount of her food he would consume and even often encouraged him to eat more. When we moved to Salt Lake for medical school she never came to visit without bringing jars of home canned jam, fruit, and syrup, fresh garden veggies or fresh baked bread. She really knew how to take care of starving college students. She always seemed to understand and remember what it was like to be in my stage of life, whether that was a struggling college student, newly wed, extremely uncomfortable expectant mother, or a mother with a new baby.

Grandma enjoying a day at Huntington Beach with Andrew.

Grandma meeting Skyler for the first time.

I loved to watch Grandma with my babies. She always loved to hold them and you could tell by watching her how much her family meant to her. Grandma was an amazingly talented woman. Because of poor health most of her life she wasn't able to do a lot of the things she loved. She was a wonderful pianist and loved music. A couple years ago I was asked to direct the choir in our church. I was feeling overwhelmed and extremely unqualified. She was so excited for me and shared with me her experiences about leading her own ward choir years ago and how she also felt unqualified when she was called but grew to love that calling more than any other. But as talented as Grandma was, she never talked about herself. It was always about her children and grandchildren and everything they were accomplishing. At grandma's funeral, I watched many of her children and grandchildren performing beautiful musical numbers. Grandma would have been thrilled with the music that day. I felt a bit guilty as I thought of my flute sitting in my closet that has mostly been collecting dust for the last 20 years. If Grandma was ever disappointed that I gave up music for running though she never showed it. She was still proud of me for my accomplishments even if it was different than what she would have chosen. Every time I won a race and my name was in the paper, I knew as soon as the phone rang the next morning that it was Grandma on the other end calling to congratulate me.

The end of Grandma's life was so difficult to watch as her health declined rapidly. She must have been in tremendous pain but you wouldn't know it because she never complained. It was a great opportunity to live close enough that I could visit her often. Even in her declining health, Grandma always wanted to feed me as soon as I walked through the door. When I could see how difficult that was for her I started bringing food to her instead. I don't think she liked that too much. She always wanted to be the one giving and serving. A few days before she passed away, I was on my way to Logan to watch Andrew in a cross country meet. I wanted to stop by Grandma's house but I was running late. It's not worth stopping for such a short visit, I thought and I knew I'd be going up to Logan again the next week. I'd stop by then. But I just couldn't pass without stopping. It was a short visit and neither Grandma or Grandpa were up to visiting much that day. Skyler immediately pointed to the M&M jar Grandma always kept on her counter. It was empty, and when I went to refill it, for the first time ever, Grandma was out of M&Ms. "I must have forgotten to put them on the grocery list." she said. I said goodbye and promised to stop by for a longer visit next week. Instead my next visit was a few days later as the family was gathering to plan the funeral. I was so grateful for my one last visit with Grandma. It was so hard to walk into the house and see her chair empty but as Skyler pointed to the M&M jar I noticed it had been filled. Grandma had remembered and as we all munched on those M&Ms in the coming days it was a reminder to me of a Grandma that was always giving to others.

The morning of the funeral I was scheduled to do a tough 22 mile training run. My heart wasn't in it and I wanted to skip it but I knew that it was a crucial workout for Chicago. So as soon as it was light enough to see I was out on the Ogden River Parkway putting in miles at a quick pace. As I started to run thunder clouds were rolling in. The lightening was making me a bit nervous but I didn't dare stop because I needed to finish the workout in time to get to the funeral. I thought the weather was fitting for the mood I was in that morning. But as the sun came up over the mountains in the east the most beautiful double rainbow appeared before me in the sky. I was reminded that without experiencing the rain there wouldn't be any rainbows. It hurts to lose Grandma because I love her and miss her so much. It's hard to know that on my next birthday there won't be a card in the mail, next Christmas there won't be a party at her house, and next time I win a race I won't hear her voice on the phone. But I do have faith that through the atonement of Jesus Christ I will someday see Grandma again. And she will be free from the pain she suffered so much in this life. Grandma blessed my life in more ways than I can say. I think of her often in so many things that I do, whether it's making one of her recipes, listening to music, picking vegetables from my garden, or snuggling up under the beautiful afghan she knitted for me. Grandma's memory lives on in the lives of her posterity in so many ways. The beauty of her life is a gift to us all just as the rainbow was on that early morning.